For the past year (longer, really, but officially) I've been trying to figure out the WHY of all this. Why do I have this whole addiction thing? What made me this way? Why do I have to suffer with THIS when other people seem to have it so easy?
I know, of course, that everyone has their own issues. But I was always bitter and resentful that mine had to be so visible. It wasn't fair. I knew life wasn't fair, but I was still upset about it.
So I told myself, if I could just figure out why I was this way I would be able to easily fix it. If I knew the cause I could work on a solution and someday I would no longer struggle.
Well someone tonight said something that really hit home. She had a bad binge yesterday, and simply said that it didn't matter WHY she binged. She binged yesterday. It's over. Today she did better. Today is the only thing we can control now.
Figuring out why I have this problem won't fix me. I can't go back and change whatever it was, if it even was any one thing. It is what it is. There is no way to magically "cure" me.
I have hypothyroidism. It's a chronic condition. I don't know what caused it. It doesn't matter what caused it. It just is a part of me. And so I take my medicine.
I have eating issues. I'm a binge eater. It's a chronic condition. I don't know what caused it. It doesn't matter what caused it. it just is a part of me. And so I need to take the medicine.
In this case I'm still figuring out the right medicines, the right doses, the right combinations. Exercise is obviously helping, and I'll stay on that "medicine" forever. As far as the mental work, support, and meal plans...those are still being figured out. But I'll figure it out soon enough. In the meantime, I think I feel....peaceful. I don't need all the answers, I just need to do my best every day, just for today.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
2012-06-03 - Omaha Women's Triathlon, Race Report
Well here it is, my official race report for the 2012 Omaha Women's Triathlon. My first completed REAL triathlon!
The weather couldn't have been better. It was beautiful. Mostly sunny instead of the 30% chance of rain they called for, not quite as hot as I worried about. Totally beautiful. It was probably low 70's when we started, and low 80's by the time I was done. It got up past 90 later in the day, so I'm super glad it waited and wasn't too hot during any part of the race.
The pre-race meeting was held on Saturday. I went to the first option at 1:00 and met up with Theresa from work there. Kelly and her boyfriend were there too (it turns out Kelly the Clerk is Theresa's niece, cool!) so it was nice to see some familiar faces.
Theresa said the meeting made her less nervous. I'm not sure it eased my nerves any, but I don't think it made them too much worse. Although seeing the swim course buoys was pretty scary. They looked so far apart!
So after the meeting we were allowed to pick up our race packets. They actually came in little drawstring backpacks! Super cool. They're purple and have the race logo on them. Inside were numbers for our bikes and helmets along with the standard race bib and shirt, and also a wristband with our number on it that was our "ticket" into the transition area and which they checked after the race against the number on our bike to make sure everyone went home with only their own bike.
The race shirts are nice tech shirts. Of course they're girl-cut since it's a women's triathlon, so mine's way too small. Someday it'll fit, but no time soon. Oh well! I don't need to wear the shirt, I have a nice shiny medal to wear ;)
SO anyway, after we got our packets we put our wristbands on and put the bike number on our bikes we found our numbered spot at the bike racks, deposited our bikes, and hiked the 1/4 mile to our cars. (That was annoying, the whole parking way over at the Women's Hospital thing .1/4 mile uphill to the car. Ugh! More on that later).
It was weird leaving my bike there. They had volunteers there all night guarding them, but it still felt strange even though you had to have the matching wristband to leave with a bike.
After the meeting I went home to spend time with Dave and attempted to read a lot so I wouldn't have to think about the next day. Dave and I went to Outback for dinner and then to HyVee. I picked up some pork tenderloins and threw them in the crockpot when we got home so they'd be all ready for the sq1 meal swap the next day (no way was I cooking after the tri!) I napped a little, read a lot, and tried to relax. Dave and I had "dinner" at DQ (yes, naughty, I know) and then I went through my checklist, made sure I was all packed, and went to bed really early.
Sunday I was up super early. I dragged Dave out of bed, put up my pigtails, bodyglided everything, put on my swim outfit and we were out the door. It felt odd driving to a triathlon without a bike strapped to my car! We got to the lake, parked way over at the hospital, and hiked the 1/4 mile to the transition area. It was sooo nice having Dave there to help carry all my gear. We headed over to the body marking area and I got numbers written all over me. I picked up my timing chip and strapped that TIGHTLY to my ankle (I learned my lesson at Papio last year when it kept trying to fall off during the swim and I had to kick with my foot flexed the whole time so I wouldn't lose it) and then I went in and set up my transition area. After that we still had an hour so Dave and I each grabbed a banana and went to sit at some picnic tables. We were already regretting not bringing a chair for Dave. I learned a few lessons about what spectators need, actually. For the Papio this year I will DEFINITELY make sure Dave has: a chair, my Kindle with games loaded, and sunscreen. He had a lot of waiting around to do and nowhere to sit and not much to do.
After sitting nervously for about a half hour watching all the people file in I saw an orange stroller I recognized being pushed buy a gut in a shirt I recognized with a blonde lady I recognized. Marty and Amy WERE there!!! I was so excited to see them, I wasn't sure if they were coming. I hadn't seen Amy at the meetings the day before so I wasn't sure if she was still participating or not. I was SO GLAD she was!!! It made it soooo much more fun and relaxing having someone else there to do it with me.
It was almost 7:45 so I made one last trip to my transition spot to make sure everything was in order. I grabbed my sport beans and an extra gel for Amy, ate my lara bar, and started sipping on my gatorade "prime" drink. Then we started walking over to the swim start. I left my sandals with Dave, put my goggles on, then put my white cap on. There were three waves, the youngest competitors had white caps and hit the water first. Then there was a purple group of 35 and olders, and a pink group of the oldest participants. The waves all started 3 minutes apart.
We waited awhile for the swim to start. I was nervous about how cold the water would be. The boat ramp, as usual, hurt my feet super bad. We ran into Sarah K from the Biking 101 class I took a few weeks ago. We got some pictures of me and Amy ready to swim. They played the national anthem. They told us to get in the water and counted down and off we went!
Amy was way ahead of me right away. That girl can SWIM! She ended up beating me out of the water by ten minutes. She's amazing. I pretty much hung behind the pack (not even "at the back of the pack", but behind it by a ways). I was barely out into the lake when the purple caps ran me over....three minutes later the pink caps did the same. Then for the rest of the half mile swim I was back with the slowest swimmers. But I didn't mind too much. A few people around me had issues. One girl felt suffocated by her wetsuit and was hyperventilating a bit. A few people had to had kayakers come over and give them noodles to float with. I just kept swimming...I didn't stop at all, just kept going. I did freestyle, sort of, for more than the first half of the swim. I kept my head up out of the water because the lake was murky and creeping me out, so my body position was all wrong and it really slowed me down. I had decided right when I got into the lake that I was just going to go slow and steady with it, no rush, and just stay comfortable. About 3/4 of the way through I passed by a girl who was REALLY struggling. She just couldn't breathe at all, it was scary. I stayed with her awhile and talked to her. She had a noodle so she wasn't going to sink or anything, she was just scared I think and couldn't breathe. I felt very grateful that I'm really comfortable in the water. I may be slow, but I'm not scared and I know I would never drown. I may not have put my head under but that wasn't fear as much as disgust...lakes are just icky. The seaweed in this particular lake was the worst I've ever had to swim through.
Eventually, after about 30 minutes, I finally made it back to the boat ramp and climbed out of the water. Nice volunteers were there to give us a hand, and I was grateful. Boat ramps just REALLY hurt my bare feet! Ouchy!
Once I was out of the lake I trotted over to the transition area. I was grateful that they had carpets set up in the aisle so we didn't have to walk the entire way on the gravel. I just had to take a few steps off the carpet and over to my towel, but in those few steps my feet were completely covered in tiny rocks and dirt. I wiped them off the best I could, got my socks on and got into my bike shoes.. I changed my shirt (I hate that part, but it's still more comfortable than biking and "running" in my swim shirt. I put on my sunglasses and helmet, grabbed the bike, and trotted out of transition.
That's when my day almost was ruined. There's a big hill coming out of the park so I downshifted on the left and immediately knew I had a problem. My pedals just spun and spun, no resistance. Someone said "oh no she lost her chain" and it registered. I couldn't get my feet out in time. I said "Damnit I'm gonna fall over" and over I went. Landed on my left elbow. It hurt but I didn't look at it right away, I just unclipped my feet and stood up and someone was there already helping me put my chain back on. We got it on and I tried again, but it still wasn't catching right. So I got off immediately and picked up the bike and spun through my gears and got it all settled. But by that time my confidence was shot. I ended up just walking my bike up the first hill. One lady who passed me tried to talk me into getting on the bike but I just told her I was having chain issues and would get on at the top of the hill so she rode on.
Anyway, at the top of the hill I got on the bike and everything was fine for a long time. There was one NASTY hill right after the cobblestone section that just went on forever. It wasn't super steep, it was just sooooooo loooooonnnngggggg. I kept worrying that my legs would just wear out, but I told myself that wasn't an option. There was no choice but to just keep pedaling, no matter how slow, just keep going, because if I stopped (either on purpose or otherwise) I knew I would fall over again. And bruises on top of bruises are NOT fun! SO I finally made it up that hill.
The bike seemed to take forever. I FINALLY made it to the turn around and almost right away I felt better. But then I hit the first hill going back, just before the lefthand turn by the hardware store. I saw the hill coming up and downshifted again on the left....and immediately regretted it. The chain was off AGAIN.
I have no idea how, but somehow magically I got my left foot unclipped JUST in time. Thank goodness I was able to prevent another fall. I managed to get my right foot unclipped too, again without falling over. Then I looked behind me and there were at least four cars, so I pulled off into the grass and started trying to put my chain on. Three cars went by but a nice man in a truck stopped and got out of his truck with a pair of some sort of pliers (GIANT pliers, lol!) and asked if I needed help. I took him up on it and asked if he could just hold my bike up so I could get the chain back on more easily. It took all of two seconds and I was good to go again. I love good samaritans!
So anyway, I once again found myself halfway up a steep hill with no hope of momentum to get me going so I walked up another hill. At the top of the hill I was on the bike again and was almost able to coast the rest of the bike leg, it was so much flat and downhill. SO nice.
When I got to the GIANT hill coming up to the park, though, on 192nd street I was too scared to downshift and knew I'd never made it all the way up in 2nd. I biked up the first third and then pulled off where there was some extra pavement on the side and unclipped without falling (yay!!!!) and walked up the rest of the way. Then it was mostly coasting all the way down to the transition area.
When I crossed into the transition area they announced my name...three times....saying that I had just finished. I think they were definitely confused (lol!) Marty was there and asked if I heard it and I said I did and did that mean I was done? LOL! But I changed into my running shoes, racked my bike, took off my helmet, put on my pink sq1 hat (THANK YOU MISHI I LOVE THAT HAT!) and off I went. Walking...quickly-ish, but walking.
When I was midway up the first hill a sweet lady named Deb caught up with me and we walked and chatted all the way out to the turn around and back to the water station again. That's where I told her to leave me, I knew she could finish by her goal time but only if she left me (she wanted to finish by 11:00, and my goal had been 11:30. I didn't think I could push hard enough to make it by 11:00. And I still don't think I could have, it was just after 11:12 when I finished). Anyway, the first 3/4 of the "run" was so fun! She was a great walking buddy. .I even showed off some Zumba moves for the water station volunteers on the way back.
Halfway up the dreaded hill I saw Marty, Amy, and Blaine. They were on their way to the car while I was coming up the hill. I was SO HAPPY that Amy finished, she did amazing! Marty came down the hill and met up with me and walked with me to the top. Then it was mostly downhill the rest of the way, it was awesome. Everyone who was walking by leaving was super nice and supportive. I finally made it to the bottom of the hill and ran the last few yards to the finish. Lots of high fives at that point. I got my medal, got water, and made my way through the crowd (who had gathered for the awards ceremony) and grabbed some gatorade. Lots of people came up to congratulate me. I heard people discussing chocolate milk and talked to one lady about how they're always out of that stuff by the time we finish, and a few minutes later she came back and handed me a chocolate milk!
I turned down donuts. That was huge I think. It's been over five months since I've had a donut. And even though that was the only food left I still turned it down! I didn't need it. I had gels left, I had a lara bar left, I had bananas somewhere.
I posed for a few pictures, we hung out for awhile. I got some "recovery drink" from the complete nutrition people in a new bottle they gave me that came with a $22 gift card too (yay). I like swag. :)
So anyway, we packed up my transition area. I almost forgot my swim shirt, luckily the lady next to me noticed it, it had blown into her area. I got all my stuff packed up, gave my basket and bucket to Dave, and started wheeling my bike up the hill.
And I barely made it 20 feet. LOL! I had to stop and rest. Then I made it to the porta potties. I had to rest again. And then use the nasty porta potty (since I'd had to go since before the lake, and let me tell you riding on cobblestones? NOT fun when you have to go! LOL!) And then rest some more....
Eventually we made it up to the playground area and I just put the bike down and sat. I talked Dave into going to get the car. He was confused and nervous, he didn't remember where we'd parked or even how to get to the parking lot. I explain it a few times and we both had our phones so off he went. He called when he got to 192nd to make sure he was in the right place. That's about when Sarah K came back in her car and parked and we hung out for awhile while I waited for Dave to get back. She's so fun! She had forgotten her flip flops by the lake and had gone back to get them.
Eventually, after his 1/4 mile hike up the giant hill, Dave was back with the car. He put the bike on the rack, put the stuff in the backseat, and off we went. Actually we went just a few feet, pulled over, and I strapped in the bike (whoops! I didn't notice that Dave just set it on the rack and hadn't strapped it, lol!) and THEN we were off.
SO we went home and I showered right away because I smelled like lake water and sweat. Dave worked on sending me the pictures he'd taken. Then he showered and I posted pictures. Then we went to Zios to celebrate. I wore my medal, heheh. I'm a dork.
The rest of the day I tried to mostly relax without sleeping. I facebooked and read, and then I left for book club at Torri's house. That was super awesome. Then I went to Sq1 with my cooler full of pork tenderloin and read some more while I waited for meal swap time. Then I went home and went almost straight to bed! :)
So that was my big race day. I'm a real triathlete now. :) :) :)
The weather couldn't have been better. It was beautiful. Mostly sunny instead of the 30% chance of rain they called for, not quite as hot as I worried about. Totally beautiful. It was probably low 70's when we started, and low 80's by the time I was done. It got up past 90 later in the day, so I'm super glad it waited and wasn't too hot during any part of the race.
The pre-race meeting was held on Saturday. I went to the first option at 1:00 and met up with Theresa from work there. Kelly and her boyfriend were there too (it turns out Kelly the Clerk is Theresa's niece, cool!) so it was nice to see some familiar faces.
Theresa said the meeting made her less nervous. I'm not sure it eased my nerves any, but I don't think it made them too much worse. Although seeing the swim course buoys was pretty scary. They looked so far apart!
So after the meeting we were allowed to pick up our race packets. They actually came in little drawstring backpacks! Super cool. They're purple and have the race logo on them. Inside were numbers for our bikes and helmets along with the standard race bib and shirt, and also a wristband with our number on it that was our "ticket" into the transition area and which they checked after the race against the number on our bike to make sure everyone went home with only their own bike.
The race shirts are nice tech shirts. Of course they're girl-cut since it's a women's triathlon, so mine's way too small. Someday it'll fit, but no time soon. Oh well! I don't need to wear the shirt, I have a nice shiny medal to wear ;)
SO anyway, after we got our packets we put our wristbands on and put the bike number on our bikes we found our numbered spot at the bike racks, deposited our bikes, and hiked the 1/4 mile to our cars. (That was annoying, the whole parking way over at the Women's Hospital thing .1/4 mile uphill to the car. Ugh! More on that later).
It was weird leaving my bike there. They had volunteers there all night guarding them, but it still felt strange even though you had to have the matching wristband to leave with a bike.
After the meeting I went home to spend time with Dave and attempted to read a lot so I wouldn't have to think about the next day. Dave and I went to Outback for dinner and then to HyVee. I picked up some pork tenderloins and threw them in the crockpot when we got home so they'd be all ready for the sq1 meal swap the next day (no way was I cooking after the tri!) I napped a little, read a lot, and tried to relax. Dave and I had "dinner" at DQ (yes, naughty, I know) and then I went through my checklist, made sure I was all packed, and went to bed really early.
Sunday I was up super early. I dragged Dave out of bed, put up my pigtails, bodyglided everything, put on my swim outfit and we were out the door. It felt odd driving to a triathlon without a bike strapped to my car! We got to the lake, parked way over at the hospital, and hiked the 1/4 mile to the transition area. It was sooo nice having Dave there to help carry all my gear. We headed over to the body marking area and I got numbers written all over me. I picked up my timing chip and strapped that TIGHTLY to my ankle (I learned my lesson at Papio last year when it kept trying to fall off during the swim and I had to kick with my foot flexed the whole time so I wouldn't lose it) and then I went in and set up my transition area. After that we still had an hour so Dave and I each grabbed a banana and went to sit at some picnic tables. We were already regretting not bringing a chair for Dave. I learned a few lessons about what spectators need, actually. For the Papio this year I will DEFINITELY make sure Dave has: a chair, my Kindle with games loaded, and sunscreen. He had a lot of waiting around to do and nowhere to sit and not much to do.
After sitting nervously for about a half hour watching all the people file in I saw an orange stroller I recognized being pushed buy a gut in a shirt I recognized with a blonde lady I recognized. Marty and Amy WERE there!!! I was so excited to see them, I wasn't sure if they were coming. I hadn't seen Amy at the meetings the day before so I wasn't sure if she was still participating or not. I was SO GLAD she was!!! It made it soooo much more fun and relaxing having someone else there to do it with me.
It was almost 7:45 so I made one last trip to my transition spot to make sure everything was in order. I grabbed my sport beans and an extra gel for Amy, ate my lara bar, and started sipping on my gatorade "prime" drink. Then we started walking over to the swim start. I left my sandals with Dave, put my goggles on, then put my white cap on. There were three waves, the youngest competitors had white caps and hit the water first. Then there was a purple group of 35 and olders, and a pink group of the oldest participants. The waves all started 3 minutes apart.
We waited awhile for the swim to start. I was nervous about how cold the water would be. The boat ramp, as usual, hurt my feet super bad. We ran into Sarah K from the Biking 101 class I took a few weeks ago. We got some pictures of me and Amy ready to swim. They played the national anthem. They told us to get in the water and counted down and off we went!
Amy was way ahead of me right away. That girl can SWIM! She ended up beating me out of the water by ten minutes. She's amazing. I pretty much hung behind the pack (not even "at the back of the pack", but behind it by a ways). I was barely out into the lake when the purple caps ran me over....three minutes later the pink caps did the same. Then for the rest of the half mile swim I was back with the slowest swimmers. But I didn't mind too much. A few people around me had issues. One girl felt suffocated by her wetsuit and was hyperventilating a bit. A few people had to had kayakers come over and give them noodles to float with. I just kept swimming...I didn't stop at all, just kept going. I did freestyle, sort of, for more than the first half of the swim. I kept my head up out of the water because the lake was murky and creeping me out, so my body position was all wrong and it really slowed me down. I had decided right when I got into the lake that I was just going to go slow and steady with it, no rush, and just stay comfortable. About 3/4 of the way through I passed by a girl who was REALLY struggling. She just couldn't breathe at all, it was scary. I stayed with her awhile and talked to her. She had a noodle so she wasn't going to sink or anything, she was just scared I think and couldn't breathe. I felt very grateful that I'm really comfortable in the water. I may be slow, but I'm not scared and I know I would never drown. I may not have put my head under but that wasn't fear as much as disgust...lakes are just icky. The seaweed in this particular lake was the worst I've ever had to swim through.
Eventually, after about 30 minutes, I finally made it back to the boat ramp and climbed out of the water. Nice volunteers were there to give us a hand, and I was grateful. Boat ramps just REALLY hurt my bare feet! Ouchy!
Once I was out of the lake I trotted over to the transition area. I was grateful that they had carpets set up in the aisle so we didn't have to walk the entire way on the gravel. I just had to take a few steps off the carpet and over to my towel, but in those few steps my feet were completely covered in tiny rocks and dirt. I wiped them off the best I could, got my socks on and got into my bike shoes.. I changed my shirt (I hate that part, but it's still more comfortable than biking and "running" in my swim shirt. I put on my sunglasses and helmet, grabbed the bike, and trotted out of transition.
That's when my day almost was ruined. There's a big hill coming out of the park so I downshifted on the left and immediately knew I had a problem. My pedals just spun and spun, no resistance. Someone said "oh no she lost her chain" and it registered. I couldn't get my feet out in time. I said "Damnit I'm gonna fall over" and over I went. Landed on my left elbow. It hurt but I didn't look at it right away, I just unclipped my feet and stood up and someone was there already helping me put my chain back on. We got it on and I tried again, but it still wasn't catching right. So I got off immediately and picked up the bike and spun through my gears and got it all settled. But by that time my confidence was shot. I ended up just walking my bike up the first hill. One lady who passed me tried to talk me into getting on the bike but I just told her I was having chain issues and would get on at the top of the hill so she rode on.
Anyway, at the top of the hill I got on the bike and everything was fine for a long time. There was one NASTY hill right after the cobblestone section that just went on forever. It wasn't super steep, it was just sooooooo loooooonnnngggggg. I kept worrying that my legs would just wear out, but I told myself that wasn't an option. There was no choice but to just keep pedaling, no matter how slow, just keep going, because if I stopped (either on purpose or otherwise) I knew I would fall over again. And bruises on top of bruises are NOT fun! SO I finally made it up that hill.
The bike seemed to take forever. I FINALLY made it to the turn around and almost right away I felt better. But then I hit the first hill going back, just before the lefthand turn by the hardware store. I saw the hill coming up and downshifted again on the left....and immediately regretted it. The chain was off AGAIN.
I have no idea how, but somehow magically I got my left foot unclipped JUST in time. Thank goodness I was able to prevent another fall. I managed to get my right foot unclipped too, again without falling over. Then I looked behind me and there were at least four cars, so I pulled off into the grass and started trying to put my chain on. Three cars went by but a nice man in a truck stopped and got out of his truck with a pair of some sort of pliers (GIANT pliers, lol!) and asked if I needed help. I took him up on it and asked if he could just hold my bike up so I could get the chain back on more easily. It took all of two seconds and I was good to go again. I love good samaritans!
So anyway, I once again found myself halfway up a steep hill with no hope of momentum to get me going so I walked up another hill. At the top of the hill I was on the bike again and was almost able to coast the rest of the bike leg, it was so much flat and downhill. SO nice.
When I got to the GIANT hill coming up to the park, though, on 192nd street I was too scared to downshift and knew I'd never made it all the way up in 2nd. I biked up the first third and then pulled off where there was some extra pavement on the side and unclipped without falling (yay!!!!) and walked up the rest of the way. Then it was mostly coasting all the way down to the transition area.
When I crossed into the transition area they announced my name...three times....saying that I had just finished. I think they were definitely confused (lol!) Marty was there and asked if I heard it and I said I did and did that mean I was done? LOL! But I changed into my running shoes, racked my bike, took off my helmet, put on my pink sq1 hat (THANK YOU MISHI I LOVE THAT HAT!) and off I went. Walking...quickly-ish, but walking.
When I was midway up the first hill a sweet lady named Deb caught up with me and we walked and chatted all the way out to the turn around and back to the water station again. That's where I told her to leave me, I knew she could finish by her goal time but only if she left me (she wanted to finish by 11:00, and my goal had been 11:30. I didn't think I could push hard enough to make it by 11:00. And I still don't think I could have, it was just after 11:12 when I finished). Anyway, the first 3/4 of the "run" was so fun! She was a great walking buddy. .I even showed off some Zumba moves for the water station volunteers on the way back.
Halfway up the dreaded hill I saw Marty, Amy, and Blaine. They were on their way to the car while I was coming up the hill. I was SO HAPPY that Amy finished, she did amazing! Marty came down the hill and met up with me and walked with me to the top. Then it was mostly downhill the rest of the way, it was awesome. Everyone who was walking by leaving was super nice and supportive. I finally made it to the bottom of the hill and ran the last few yards to the finish. Lots of high fives at that point. I got my medal, got water, and made my way through the crowd (who had gathered for the awards ceremony) and grabbed some gatorade. Lots of people came up to congratulate me. I heard people discussing chocolate milk and talked to one lady about how they're always out of that stuff by the time we finish, and a few minutes later she came back and handed me a chocolate milk!
I turned down donuts. That was huge I think. It's been over five months since I've had a donut. And even though that was the only food left I still turned it down! I didn't need it. I had gels left, I had a lara bar left, I had bananas somewhere.
I posed for a few pictures, we hung out for awhile. I got some "recovery drink" from the complete nutrition people in a new bottle they gave me that came with a $22 gift card too (yay). I like swag. :)
So anyway, we packed up my transition area. I almost forgot my swim shirt, luckily the lady next to me noticed it, it had blown into her area. I got all my stuff packed up, gave my basket and bucket to Dave, and started wheeling my bike up the hill.
And I barely made it 20 feet. LOL! I had to stop and rest. Then I made it to the porta potties. I had to rest again. And then use the nasty porta potty (since I'd had to go since before the lake, and let me tell you riding on cobblestones? NOT fun when you have to go! LOL!) And then rest some more....
Eventually we made it up to the playground area and I just put the bike down and sat. I talked Dave into going to get the car. He was confused and nervous, he didn't remember where we'd parked or even how to get to the parking lot. I explain it a few times and we both had our phones so off he went. He called when he got to 192nd to make sure he was in the right place. That's about when Sarah K came back in her car and parked and we hung out for awhile while I waited for Dave to get back. She's so fun! She had forgotten her flip flops by the lake and had gone back to get them.
Eventually, after his 1/4 mile hike up the giant hill, Dave was back with the car. He put the bike on the rack, put the stuff in the backseat, and off we went. Actually we went just a few feet, pulled over, and I strapped in the bike (whoops! I didn't notice that Dave just set it on the rack and hadn't strapped it, lol!) and THEN we were off.
SO we went home and I showered right away because I smelled like lake water and sweat. Dave worked on sending me the pictures he'd taken. Then he showered and I posted pictures. Then we went to Zios to celebrate. I wore my medal, heheh. I'm a dork.
The rest of the day I tried to mostly relax without sleeping. I facebooked and read, and then I left for book club at Torri's house. That was super awesome. Then I went to Sq1 with my cooler full of pork tenderloin and read some more while I waited for meal swap time. Then I went home and went almost straight to bed! :)
So that was my big race day. I'm a real triathlete now. :) :) :)
Monday, March 5, 2012
Spring Awakening
I've always thought of spring as a good time for renewal. Everything that's been dormant for the winter comes back to life. My garden, currently, is starting to come up, oblivious to the fact that this is Nebraska and only March and it could still find itself covered in snow a month or two from now. Everything seems so optimistic this time of year.
People make new year's resolutions, and the gyms flood will people in January who think they're ready to make a change, but by this time most of those people have disappeared. They're back on their couches, visiting the local drive thru, given up on whatever it was they set out to do. January really isn't a great time for resolutions. Everything is bleak, winter lasts forever, the sun never shines, and hibernation seems like the best way to go. If I designed the calendar I would move New Years to April.
This time of year I feel like gearing up for something big. Some new challenge. My mind is in the preperation phase right now. Deciding what it will be, how it will happen. What my life will look like a month from now. I'm still going along like winter, putting in the hours at the gym without a huge focus or deadline, doing my best on nutrition, but mostly sailing along. But internally I'm shifting gears. Ready to explode into spring, fired up and with a singular goal in mind.
Spring officially starts in 15 days. Daylight savings is in one week. Both are great times to start a new life. So I'm officially decided that, next Monday, will be MY day. No matter the weather I will bundle up and hit the bike trail. Whether it's just a quick ride up the street and back again (likely, considering the Nebraska winds this time of year) or a full-blown excursion, I WILL ride again. My goal for this year is to BECOME a biker. And it starts now.
This past year has felt like a waste in so many ways. I know I've come so far mentally, emotionally... but physically it was one giant backslide. I mentioned in my Trek recap that I've gained quite a bit of weight this year, all due to poor eating. While I've been working on stabilizing my moods and working hard in therapy to heal past traumas I've let my eating slide. And although I'm still working out with Marty, five sessions per week, this knee injury has slowed me down considerably. Add thirty extra pounds to a bad knee and you have a recipe for disaster. I haven't been able to push as hard, go as fast, do as well at most of the things we do in our workouts. Lame lunges, wimpy squats, one-legged push ups and walk outs. No running, no jumping, no step ups. Missing out on all of that doesn't make for a very fit girl. Combine it with bad eating and....what you get is what seems like a wasted year.
I know, logically, that the year was far from a waste. I learned so much about myself, my life, my world. In terms of fitness goals, I learned more about hydration (learned it the hard way), about the importance of training (again, learned the hard way), more about my limitations (the very hard way). But what do I have to show for it?
Well, right now it doesn't seem like I have much to show for it at all. And that is why I need to make a change. It's time to re-up my committment. To get serious. So training starts now.
My first real test will be the Omaha Women's Triathlon, on June 3rd. By that time I hope my knee feels better so that I can jog/walk the run portion, rather than being forced to hobble the entire way. But that is something that's not really under my control. I will do my best to take care of my knee, I'll tape it whenever I workout and be extra careful on the ellipticals. I'll make sure I have the spin bike seats adjusted properly for me (a major source of pain if I'm neglectful). I'll do what I can, but if it doesn't heal it won't be something I could have controlled. It won't be my "failure".
The swim portion, I would like to be more prepared for than last year at Papio, but this isn't really my focus either. I plan to swim every other Wednesday at Montclair, the Wednesdays when we don't have Square1SocialClub. I'll put my laps in, 750meters in a row. Strengthen my shoulders and arms, practice spotting, close my eyes and practice staying on course. This should keep me reasonably strong enough that I won't be the last one out of the water, and I should be efficient enough to not tire myself out too much before the bike.
The bike....this is my goal. This is what I want to be confident about going into the race, rather than terrified of. The cure, apparently, is T.I.T.S. No, not those. Time In The Saddle. Every website and blog posting and FAQ I've found on the subject of biking or triathlons has said the same thing. They only way to get stronger, faster, better at hills, is to spend more time on the bike. So how, when I'm already so overbooked, do I accomplish that?
I've decided the only answer is to ride everyday. No excuses.
So, beginning next Monday, March 12th, I will ride. Everyday.
Depending on how chilly the mornings are I may start up again with biking to work. It may wait for next month, if there's any danger of ice it's not worth the risk, but if it's at least in the 40's or so I will start next week. This will give me 5 miles a day in the saddle. 2.5 to work, 2.5 home. Not bad, but considering I'm not just training for a 12.5 mile sprint tri bike, but also for a planned Century Ride later this summer, it's not enough. So that brings me to Friday afternoons.
I get off work at 2:30. This leaves a big chunk of day for activities like long rides. And so, beginning on March 16th, I plan to ride on Friday afternoons. Again, this depends on the weather. I'm not insane. I will not ride in the snow, or in 50mph wind gusts. I do not want hypothermia. But as soon as possible, as much as possible, this is the plan. Friday afternoon is MY afternoon. Just me and my bike. Out on the trail.
I'll devise a more specific training plan once the weather is warmer and more predictable. I need to do hill work, speed work, even longer rides. But for now, this will do. It's a start. And I can't wait to start it! This spring is going to be the best spring ever.
People make new year's resolutions, and the gyms flood will people in January who think they're ready to make a change, but by this time most of those people have disappeared. They're back on their couches, visiting the local drive thru, given up on whatever it was they set out to do. January really isn't a great time for resolutions. Everything is bleak, winter lasts forever, the sun never shines, and hibernation seems like the best way to go. If I designed the calendar I would move New Years to April.
This time of year I feel like gearing up for something big. Some new challenge. My mind is in the preperation phase right now. Deciding what it will be, how it will happen. What my life will look like a month from now. I'm still going along like winter, putting in the hours at the gym without a huge focus or deadline, doing my best on nutrition, but mostly sailing along. But internally I'm shifting gears. Ready to explode into spring, fired up and with a singular goal in mind.
Spring officially starts in 15 days. Daylight savings is in one week. Both are great times to start a new life. So I'm officially decided that, next Monday, will be MY day. No matter the weather I will bundle up and hit the bike trail. Whether it's just a quick ride up the street and back again (likely, considering the Nebraska winds this time of year) or a full-blown excursion, I WILL ride again. My goal for this year is to BECOME a biker. And it starts now.
This past year has felt like a waste in so many ways. I know I've come so far mentally, emotionally... but physically it was one giant backslide. I mentioned in my Trek recap that I've gained quite a bit of weight this year, all due to poor eating. While I've been working on stabilizing my moods and working hard in therapy to heal past traumas I've let my eating slide. And although I'm still working out with Marty, five sessions per week, this knee injury has slowed me down considerably. Add thirty extra pounds to a bad knee and you have a recipe for disaster. I haven't been able to push as hard, go as fast, do as well at most of the things we do in our workouts. Lame lunges, wimpy squats, one-legged push ups and walk outs. No running, no jumping, no step ups. Missing out on all of that doesn't make for a very fit girl. Combine it with bad eating and....what you get is what seems like a wasted year.
I know, logically, that the year was far from a waste. I learned so much about myself, my life, my world. In terms of fitness goals, I learned more about hydration (learned it the hard way), about the importance of training (again, learned the hard way), more about my limitations (the very hard way). But what do I have to show for it?
Well, right now it doesn't seem like I have much to show for it at all. And that is why I need to make a change. It's time to re-up my committment. To get serious. So training starts now.
My first real test will be the Omaha Women's Triathlon, on June 3rd. By that time I hope my knee feels better so that I can jog/walk the run portion, rather than being forced to hobble the entire way. But that is something that's not really under my control. I will do my best to take care of my knee, I'll tape it whenever I workout and be extra careful on the ellipticals. I'll make sure I have the spin bike seats adjusted properly for me (a major source of pain if I'm neglectful). I'll do what I can, but if it doesn't heal it won't be something I could have controlled. It won't be my "failure".
The swim portion, I would like to be more prepared for than last year at Papio, but this isn't really my focus either. I plan to swim every other Wednesday at Montclair, the Wednesdays when we don't have Square1SocialClub. I'll put my laps in, 750meters in a row. Strengthen my shoulders and arms, practice spotting, close my eyes and practice staying on course. This should keep me reasonably strong enough that I won't be the last one out of the water, and I should be efficient enough to not tire myself out too much before the bike.
The bike....this is my goal. This is what I want to be confident about going into the race, rather than terrified of. The cure, apparently, is T.I.T.S. No, not those. Time In The Saddle. Every website and blog posting and FAQ I've found on the subject of biking or triathlons has said the same thing. They only way to get stronger, faster, better at hills, is to spend more time on the bike. So how, when I'm already so overbooked, do I accomplish that?
I've decided the only answer is to ride everyday. No excuses.
So, beginning next Monday, March 12th, I will ride. Everyday.
Depending on how chilly the mornings are I may start up again with biking to work. It may wait for next month, if there's any danger of ice it's not worth the risk, but if it's at least in the 40's or so I will start next week. This will give me 5 miles a day in the saddle. 2.5 to work, 2.5 home. Not bad, but considering I'm not just training for a 12.5 mile sprint tri bike, but also for a planned Century Ride later this summer, it's not enough. So that brings me to Friday afternoons.
I get off work at 2:30. This leaves a big chunk of day for activities like long rides. And so, beginning on March 16th, I plan to ride on Friday afternoons. Again, this depends on the weather. I'm not insane. I will not ride in the snow, or in 50mph wind gusts. I do not want hypothermia. But as soon as possible, as much as possible, this is the plan. Friday afternoon is MY afternoon. Just me and my bike. Out on the trail.
I'll devise a more specific training plan once the weather is warmer and more predictable. I need to do hill work, speed work, even longer rides. But for now, this will do. It's a start. And I can't wait to start it! This spring is going to be the best spring ever.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Trek Twenty Twelve
This past Saturday was the annual Trek Up The Tower, a race to the top of the First National Bank Tower here in Omaha. 40 flights up. For some insane reason I signed up to participate again this year. Looking at my shiny new medal I'm glad I did, but I must say the entire time and even just after I was wondering why I put myself through that.
This has been a rough year for me and Trek was just a painful reminder of how far I've slid back in some areas. I've made SO much progress mentally and emotionally, but slipped up bad with my weightloss, nutrition, and fitness. Partly this is due to injuries, they've hit me harder this year than last. But mostly it's just that I've been so focussed on my work in therapy and distracted by my out of control finances.
Last year I finished the Trek in 21:57. My goal for this year was to finish in under 19 minutes, but I would have been happy just to beat last year's time even by one second. But that was not to be.
This year, Trek took me nearly half an hour. 29:20, I believe, was my official time. There were a few factors that I couldn't control, but most of it is my fault. I'm not pleased with my time.
I am proud that I finished, I didn't quit, I didn't give up. It's more than most people can say. Not everyone signs up to climb 870 steps on a Saturday morning!
The air was bad this year. I wasn't the only one who thought so, I heard people from the gym and from work talking about it days after. Coughing fits, metallic taste in the mouth, just can't breathe right. That stuck with me for days. That was a factor that was out of my control. The race was more difficult this year because of the air.
But the real issue is, I basically completed this race wearing a 30 pound weight vest. No, not literally. Those actually aren't even allowed in the event. But figuratively. I, this week, weigh approximately 30 pounds more than I did this week last year. And THAT is incredibly frustrating. Because it's my fault.
I can't go back and redo this year, and I wouldn't want to if I could. Despite another sprained ankle, despite a lingering knee injury, despite the numbers on the scale moving in the wrong direction, I wouldn't redo this year. I've grown as a person, and that IS by far much more important than the scale or the time it takes me to finish a race. However, I am defnitely sick and tired of going in the wrong direction. So it's time to fix it.
I actually felt ready to change last Thursday. We had an AWESOME PAL class. I jumped for the first time in forever. I felt more nimble than I had in months. (Unfortunately, that was likely a bad idea, as my knee has been making me pay for it ever since). I felt like I finally COULD get back to it. Combine that with a sudden modest windfall (higher than anticipated federal tax refund, higher than anticipated wellness bonus and overtime pay on my latest check) which got my finances into better order, and I was finally able to focus on nutrition again.
This past week I've journaled every bite, down to a stick of gum I chewed on Friday night. And it paid off! Last night at PAL class I was down 3.8 pounds versus last week. Finally in the right direction again, and a pretty good number at that!
So as frustrated as I am with my poor performance at Trek, I am optimistic about my journey. It's coming into springtime. It's been almost a full two years since I started working out with Marty, and I am not the same person I was before my first bootcamp. You really can divide my life into PM and AM. Pre-Marty, After-Marty. PM was full of sadness, it felt like a not-so-slow dying out. AM is all full of hope and anticipation. AM is a much healthier place to be. :)
This has been a rough year for me and Trek was just a painful reminder of how far I've slid back in some areas. I've made SO much progress mentally and emotionally, but slipped up bad with my weightloss, nutrition, and fitness. Partly this is due to injuries, they've hit me harder this year than last. But mostly it's just that I've been so focussed on my work in therapy and distracted by my out of control finances.
Last year I finished the Trek in 21:57. My goal for this year was to finish in under 19 minutes, but I would have been happy just to beat last year's time even by one second. But that was not to be.
This year, Trek took me nearly half an hour. 29:20, I believe, was my official time. There were a few factors that I couldn't control, but most of it is my fault. I'm not pleased with my time.
I am proud that I finished, I didn't quit, I didn't give up. It's more than most people can say. Not everyone signs up to climb 870 steps on a Saturday morning!
The air was bad this year. I wasn't the only one who thought so, I heard people from the gym and from work talking about it days after. Coughing fits, metallic taste in the mouth, just can't breathe right. That stuck with me for days. That was a factor that was out of my control. The race was more difficult this year because of the air.
But the real issue is, I basically completed this race wearing a 30 pound weight vest. No, not literally. Those actually aren't even allowed in the event. But figuratively. I, this week, weigh approximately 30 pounds more than I did this week last year. And THAT is incredibly frustrating. Because it's my fault.
I can't go back and redo this year, and I wouldn't want to if I could. Despite another sprained ankle, despite a lingering knee injury, despite the numbers on the scale moving in the wrong direction, I wouldn't redo this year. I've grown as a person, and that IS by far much more important than the scale or the time it takes me to finish a race. However, I am defnitely sick and tired of going in the wrong direction. So it's time to fix it.
I actually felt ready to change last Thursday. We had an AWESOME PAL class. I jumped for the first time in forever. I felt more nimble than I had in months. (Unfortunately, that was likely a bad idea, as my knee has been making me pay for it ever since). I felt like I finally COULD get back to it. Combine that with a sudden modest windfall (higher than anticipated federal tax refund, higher than anticipated wellness bonus and overtime pay on my latest check) which got my finances into better order, and I was finally able to focus on nutrition again.
This past week I've journaled every bite, down to a stick of gum I chewed on Friday night. And it paid off! Last night at PAL class I was down 3.8 pounds versus last week. Finally in the right direction again, and a pretty good number at that!
So as frustrated as I am with my poor performance at Trek, I am optimistic about my journey. It's coming into springtime. It's been almost a full two years since I started working out with Marty, and I am not the same person I was before my first bootcamp. You really can divide my life into PM and AM. Pre-Marty, After-Marty. PM was full of sadness, it felt like a not-so-slow dying out. AM is all full of hope and anticipation. AM is a much healthier place to be. :)
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Face It To Erase It
This week in therapy we talked about finances. It wasn’t my intent going in there, I had a list of topics I wanted to cover that I felt had become urgent, but as it often does the topics of relationships and of weight loss led to the topic of finances. They’re all intertwined. Statistically, the worse off your finances are the more likely you are to be overweight. On the surface that doesn’t make sense. Food isn’t free, so overeating is a waste of money right? Well when a 350 calorie cheeseburger costs $0.95 and a 350 calorie subway sandwich costs $3.75, what would most people pick? Three cheeseburgers of course. Enter: obesity.
I used to watch the Suze Orman show every Sunday morning, dvr’d from the night before. Suze often talked about how weight and wealth go hand in hand. It’s not just that rich people can afford the fancy trainers and personal chefs, although that certainly helps. It’s that, when one part of your life is in chaos, other parts of your life become chaotic as well.
Control is an interesting thing. I think all too often I try to control things I can’t control, and fail to control the things that I can. I try to control people. I try to control emotions to the point where I don’t show them at all until it’s built up to the point where I burst. I fail to control my spending, and my eating. Somehow I need to figure out how to switch this all around.
So I’m starting with debts. This is a scary subject for me right now. To be perfectly honest, I’m behind on all of the important bills (mortgage, mud, oppd) and just barely current again on my credit accounts (which I have six of….totaling nearly $19k….a big scary number). Eeek I can’t believe I just admitted that! Oy. Aaaaanyway, the point is: it’s overwhelming. So overwhelming that I like to ignore it. Sometimes even when I have the money I just don’t pay the bills because it’s scary and I’m worried that if I give the money to the people I owe that’ll be it, I’ll never have money again. It’s irrational, of course. I have a job that’s as steady and secure as any job really can be in this economy, there will always be money coming in. It will never be enough, but nothing ever is. The point is, what comes in is slightly more than what needs to go out. So why do I have this fear of letting it go out?
And, as scared as I unreasonably am to pay the bills, what do I use to comfort myself? Shopping. I go out and buy things I don’t need or even want. I do this mindlessly.
Just like I know I have around $100 to spend every week on gas, groceries, and entertainment, I know I have 1492 calories per day to spend on nourishment. But I have this fear that it won’t be enough, that I’ll have to go without “later” (whenever later is), and if I spend it now on things like “bills” (vegetables, lean protein, etc) then I won’t have any calories ever again to spend on anything fun that makes like worth living (like the occasional piece of chocolate). So instead of budgeting it out I freak out, and I mindlessly eat until all the “money” is gone. And I go into “debt”, over my calorie range, and end up gaining weight. The extra pounds weigh on me in the same way the thousands of dollars of debt weigh on me.
And so, as Suze says, I need to face it to erase it. I have 140 pounds to lose. That’s an extra 490,000 calories that I need to burn. Nearly half a million calories. A daunting number. I have close to $19,000 in bills to pay. Another daunting number. But the math says I can succeed, if I get out of my own way and let it happen. I burn 2400 calories per day, and can survive and thrive with eating only around 1500 a day. That’s a deficit of 900 calories. At that rate it would take me 544 days to reach my goal weight. Now, truly it would be sooner than that, because I exercise. I burn 2400 calories per day at rest, and I am not at rest. I am a freaking ATHLETE, I’m training for a century ride, I have two triathlons coming up. I will reach my goal weight within the next year…as long as I stick within my calorie “budget” of 1492-1692 per day.
The math’s a little trickier on the bills, because of compounding interest. I won’t do the math, but I do know that if I maintain a proper payment schedule, paying what I can, paying on time, and sticking within my spending budget, I WILL get this debt paid off in the same way I will lose the weight. A little at a time. Step one is to find out my “calorie range” for spending money. I know I can thrive eating 1492-1692 calories per day. But what can I thrive on with my finances? How much do I need to get by, be comfortable enough, have the things I truly need, and the occasional piece of “chocolate” to keep my sanity? That is harder to figure out. Our calorie formula comes from Dr Huizenga’s book “Where Did All The Fat Go”. It’s scientific and proven. It works. But where is the formula for calculating how much I need to spend on gas and groceries and dinners with friends? There doesn’t seem to be one.
I know spending is just like eating in the sense that, if you are too restrictive, you will rebel. If I cut out everything completely I will be miserable and “hungry” all the time. Somewhere there’s a balance, and that’s what I need to find. If my dear readers have any suggestions or ideas on what may work or what’s worked for you, I would love to hear them. Until then, I’ll just keep plugging along, doing my best, trying to do what works. Control only that which is in my control. And if anyone has the winning lottery numbers please pass them my way!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Perceptions
So both of my blogging friends posted recently about body image. This is a common struggle among those of us who are losing weight, who have lost weight, who need to lose weight. Any person of size really. It's interesting how we view ourselves and how it compares to how the world views us. Add in childhood traumas and the differences can become even more pronounced. We learn on the playground that our faults define us. We're called names derived from what we percieve as our worst features. Four eyes. Metal mouth. Big-booty-Becca (okay, I was never called that, to my knowledge, but could well have been). We decide to listen to these negative ideas and stop looking at the good in ourselves.
This is something I suppose I will always struggle with. On a good day I can look at myself in the mirror, from the shoulders up, and think I look "cute" at best. I think I have a cute nose, I like my green eyes. I look, I think, like a friendly type of person. Not someone you'd want to date, but someone you'd be friends with. That is how I see myself, and only on a good day.
On a bad day I see splotchy skin, limp greasy hair that clumps funny and goes off in weird directions, thighs bigger in circumfrence than a healthy waist should be, and an ass that could crush Tokyo.
I suppose, in the same way our voices on tape will never sound the same or as pleasing to us as they sound to others, we will never be able to see ourselves as others do. It's not only difficult, but truly impossible to REALLY step outside yourself and view yourself objectively and with a new eye. We're too close to the situation to see it as it truly is. But, my hope is that someday we'll be able to at least accept that we have good features, that we're beautiful people.
I've also, as readers know, been trying to figure out the "why" of why I became overweight. And although, as I mentioned in a previous post, I am coming to accept that there may not be an "answer" I have been able to put my finger on a few "why's" regarding my self esteem issues. This became evident to me when reading my friend Amanda's blog (http://shrinkingamanda.blogspot.com/). In her latest post she mentions a dislike of her own hair. I hear this from all curly-headed girls. The frizz! The hair that goes everywhere! The work it takes to straighten every day! Now, I do give Amanda a bit of a pass on this one, as her hair is more in-between than truly curly. But, to me, it's one of my favorite things about her appearance. I love when she wears it in its natural state. She is always a gorgeous person, but with her curls? Her husband needs to watch out, because she's irresistable with her curls. But aaaanyway, the point here is: we hate what, as a child, made us feel "different". Whether it be hair that's frizzier than the other girls, being naturally bigger than other kids our age, developing sooner, being taller, being smaller, being anything other than perfectly average.
I remember as early as kindergarten times where I felt like a "freak" because of my size. Looking back now at pictures from that time, yes I am bigger than the other kids, but I am proportional. I have a little booty, sure, that's my shape. My thighs touch, sure, I have narrow hips and solid legs so of course they touch. My hair didn't do much but hang there, it's extemely fine and thin, but not straight enough to be considered straight or wavy enough to be considered wavy. But it's also the best feeling hair you'll ever touch, so soft and silky. I'm a full head or more taller than the other girls, and most of the boys. And THAT, I believe, is what really spawned many of my "issues" with self esteem.
I felt like a giant. I could pick up the other kids and toss them around like sacks of potatoes. I was always strong (I joke that I HAD to be, to get this giant body out of bed and off the couch. And that's partly true, though it now sounds rather self-deprecating). I was always the tallest girl. This is especially evident in one picture from swimteam. I was probably 9 years old, and well over 5 feet tall. I'm in the picture with three other girls my age, my relay team. And they barely come up to my shoulder. Two of them could stand side-by-side behind me and be completely hidden from view, they are that much smaller. Yes, these particular girls are naturally skinny people. I am naturally more solid. They don't have the muscle I have. They are built for speed, I am built for strength. I'm like an ox to their stallion.
And THAT is the problem. I am an ox. Oxen are great, they helped tame the prairies. They brought the pioneers west to find fortune and freedom. Oxen rock! But....dude, I'm a girl! I don't want to be a freaking OX! I want to be a tiny, petite little ballerina girl. I want to feel feminine! I want a boy to be able to pick me up and carry me over the threshhold when I get married some day. I want to be small enough to curl up in my husband's arms and feel protected.
I want what I can't have.
For some people this may just be all taken in stride. They may occasionally wish they looked different or were built different, but most days they would just live their life and accept the things they cannot change. For whatever reason this was not something I could do. And as someone predisposed to addiction and unable to deal with the blow to my self esteem brought on by not being "normal" (average) it sent me running for something to numb the pain. I am unable to let myself feel emotions, so I drown them in chocolate cake or whatever my vice of the day might be.
I have no real solution to this "problem", I simply find it interesting to explore when these feelings and thoughts started. This is definitely something I'll be exploring further. I doubt, now that the rest of the world caught up to my height and surpassed me, that anyone would see me as a "giant" any longer. I am no longer than child who towered over her relay team. 11 years of dance lessons have made me more graceful than the ox that I compare myself to. But my body is what it is. I am strong. That is what I need to focus on. I am built for strength. Not speed, not looks. I am built to move mountains. And I need to embrace what I am, and forget about what I wanted to be.
This is something I suppose I will always struggle with. On a good day I can look at myself in the mirror, from the shoulders up, and think I look "cute" at best. I think I have a cute nose, I like my green eyes. I look, I think, like a friendly type of person. Not someone you'd want to date, but someone you'd be friends with. That is how I see myself, and only on a good day.
On a bad day I see splotchy skin, limp greasy hair that clumps funny and goes off in weird directions, thighs bigger in circumfrence than a healthy waist should be, and an ass that could crush Tokyo.
I suppose, in the same way our voices on tape will never sound the same or as pleasing to us as they sound to others, we will never be able to see ourselves as others do. It's not only difficult, but truly impossible to REALLY step outside yourself and view yourself objectively and with a new eye. We're too close to the situation to see it as it truly is. But, my hope is that someday we'll be able to at least accept that we have good features, that we're beautiful people.
I've also, as readers know, been trying to figure out the "why" of why I became overweight. And although, as I mentioned in a previous post, I am coming to accept that there may not be an "answer" I have been able to put my finger on a few "why's" regarding my self esteem issues. This became evident to me when reading my friend Amanda's blog (http://shrinkingamanda.blogspot.com/). In her latest post she mentions a dislike of her own hair. I hear this from all curly-headed girls. The frizz! The hair that goes everywhere! The work it takes to straighten every day! Now, I do give Amanda a bit of a pass on this one, as her hair is more in-between than truly curly. But, to me, it's one of my favorite things about her appearance. I love when she wears it in its natural state. She is always a gorgeous person, but with her curls? Her husband needs to watch out, because she's irresistable with her curls. But aaaanyway, the point here is: we hate what, as a child, made us feel "different". Whether it be hair that's frizzier than the other girls, being naturally bigger than other kids our age, developing sooner, being taller, being smaller, being anything other than perfectly average.
I remember as early as kindergarten times where I felt like a "freak" because of my size. Looking back now at pictures from that time, yes I am bigger than the other kids, but I am proportional. I have a little booty, sure, that's my shape. My thighs touch, sure, I have narrow hips and solid legs so of course they touch. My hair didn't do much but hang there, it's extemely fine and thin, but not straight enough to be considered straight or wavy enough to be considered wavy. But it's also the best feeling hair you'll ever touch, so soft and silky. I'm a full head or more taller than the other girls, and most of the boys. And THAT, I believe, is what really spawned many of my "issues" with self esteem.
I felt like a giant. I could pick up the other kids and toss them around like sacks of potatoes. I was always strong (I joke that I HAD to be, to get this giant body out of bed and off the couch. And that's partly true, though it now sounds rather self-deprecating). I was always the tallest girl. This is especially evident in one picture from swimteam. I was probably 9 years old, and well over 5 feet tall. I'm in the picture with three other girls my age, my relay team. And they barely come up to my shoulder. Two of them could stand side-by-side behind me and be completely hidden from view, they are that much smaller. Yes, these particular girls are naturally skinny people. I am naturally more solid. They don't have the muscle I have. They are built for speed, I am built for strength. I'm like an ox to their stallion.
And THAT is the problem. I am an ox. Oxen are great, they helped tame the prairies. They brought the pioneers west to find fortune and freedom. Oxen rock! But....dude, I'm a girl! I don't want to be a freaking OX! I want to be a tiny, petite little ballerina girl. I want to feel feminine! I want a boy to be able to pick me up and carry me over the threshhold when I get married some day. I want to be small enough to curl up in my husband's arms and feel protected.
I want what I can't have.
For some people this may just be all taken in stride. They may occasionally wish they looked different or were built different, but most days they would just live their life and accept the things they cannot change. For whatever reason this was not something I could do. And as someone predisposed to addiction and unable to deal with the blow to my self esteem brought on by not being "normal" (average) it sent me running for something to numb the pain. I am unable to let myself feel emotions, so I drown them in chocolate cake or whatever my vice of the day might be.
I have no real solution to this "problem", I simply find it interesting to explore when these feelings and thoughts started. This is definitely something I'll be exploring further. I doubt, now that the rest of the world caught up to my height and surpassed me, that anyone would see me as a "giant" any longer. I am no longer than child who towered over her relay team. 11 years of dance lessons have made me more graceful than the ox that I compare myself to. But my body is what it is. I am strong. That is what I need to focus on. I am built for strength. Not speed, not looks. I am built to move mountains. And I need to embrace what I am, and forget about what I wanted to be.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
The Marty Difference
In addition to the “story” I wrote up for the square1 website, I was also asked to provide a “weightloss testimonial” for work. It’s posted on our intranet for all employees to read for inspiration (still a strange concept for me). Much of the bulk of it is identical to the story I just posted, but there were a few additions. I figured, while I had a forum for it, why not endorse my awesome trainer and support group? You never know who might read it and get inspired to join us. I’d like to post that here as well, because again I think it’s good for me to remember why I am doing what I am doing.
On April 24th, 2010 I walked into Marty Wolff’s boot camp. My sister went with me for support. We got up at 5:00 am and got on treadmills at the YMCA. That day I could barely walk at a 2.2 mph pace. I had always been fairly active, but I had trainers in the past who always went too easy on me. As a trainer, when you see someone of my size you instantly worry about heart attacks, and you don’t want to push too hard. I was used to almost holding my breath when I exercised, so that no one would see that I was huffing and puffing so much. I thought if I looked like I was still breathing normally they would know I was okay to keep going and push harder. As soon as I would start to breathe heavy most trainers would back off and think I’d had enough. Marty was different. He called me out on it right away, he could tell that was exactly what I was doing. Because Marty had been overweight himself he was used to working out around very overweight people. He told me to cut it out and just go ahead and breathe heavy, that’s what happens when you exercise. Right away he earned my trust because I knew he wouldn’t give up on me if I struggled.
That first day, after struggling on the treadmill, we did a weight circuit and Marty was practically GIDDY to see how much weight I could lift. I knew I was strong, I’d been carrying so much weight around my whole life already, but I didn’t know I was that strong. My sister struggled through the weights, which was even more encouraging to me! She had always been the athletic one, and now I was doing something she couldn’t. When she ran over to the corner and threw up I was REALLY excited. I was feeling good, and my sister was working out so hard she was sick and still not keeping up with me. That’s when I really knew this boot camp was the perfect choice for me.
My sister only came with me four times. I kept on going. But all the while I was still eating fast food and donuts. I was working in an office full of temptations, where no one exercised. I also had a lot of job-related stress, and the way I dealt with it was to run to the vending machine for “F4” (chocolate donuts). When I heard about claims processing positions at Blue Cross I applied right away. And thank goodness I did! I started there in May of 2010.
Last summer, The Biggest Loser held auditions here in Omaha, and as a former contestant from season 3 of the show, Marty encouraged his bootcampers to go out there with him and stand in line to talk to people about losing weight at home. We recruited 30 people that day for a beginner’s boot camp. Although I had been with Marty since April and the new people began in August I feel like we’ve gone through most of our changes together. They are my biggest supporters. I’ve learned that it makes such a difference having people in your life who truly relate to you. We have a lot of the same stories and have been through similar struggles, and we can share in our victories together.
The rest of my work “story” continues just like the previous version, so I’ll cut off there. I just….needed a few reminders today about why I’m doing what I’m doing. It’s not easy, but it’s where I need to be. Reading this helps me to remember that.
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