For the past year (longer, really, but officially) I've been trying to figure out the WHY of all this. Why do I have this whole addiction thing? What made me this way? Why do I have to suffer with THIS when other people seem to have it so easy?
I know, of course, that everyone has their own issues. But I was always bitter and resentful that mine had to be so visible. It wasn't fair. I knew life wasn't fair, but I was still upset about it.
So I told myself, if I could just figure out why I was this way I would be able to easily fix it. If I knew the cause I could work on a solution and someday I would no longer struggle.
Well someone tonight said something that really hit home. She had a bad binge yesterday, and simply said that it didn't matter WHY she binged. She binged yesterday. It's over. Today she did better. Today is the only thing we can control now.
Figuring out why I have this problem won't fix me. I can't go back and change whatever it was, if it even was any one thing. It is what it is. There is no way to magically "cure" me.
I have hypothyroidism. It's a chronic condition. I don't know what caused it. It doesn't matter what caused it. It just is a part of me. And so I take my medicine.
I have eating issues. I'm a binge eater. It's a chronic condition. I don't know what caused it. It doesn't matter what caused it. it just is a part of me. And so I need to take the medicine.
In this case I'm still figuring out the right medicines, the right doses, the right combinations. Exercise is obviously helping, and I'll stay on that "medicine" forever. As far as the mental work, support, and meal plans...those are still being figured out. But I'll figure it out soon enough. In the meantime, I think I feel....peaceful. I don't need all the answers, I just need to do my best every day, just for today.
