Face It To Erase It

This week in therapy we talked about finances. It wasn’t my intent going in there, I had a list of topics I wanted to cover that I felt had become urgent, but as it often does the topics of relationships and of weight loss led to the topic of finances. They’re all intertwined. Statistically, the worse off your finances are the more likely you are to be overweight. On the surface that doesn’t make sense. Food isn’t free, so overeating is a waste of money right? Well when a 350 calorie cheeseburger costs $0.95 and a 350 calorie subway sandwich costs $3.75, what would most people pick? Three cheeseburgers of course. Enter: obesity.

I used to watch the Suze Orman show every Sunday morning, dvr’d from the night before.  Suze often talked about how weight and wealth go hand in hand. It’s not just that rich people can afford the fancy trainers and personal chefs, although that certainly helps. It’s that, when one part of your life is in chaos, other parts of your life become chaotic as well.

Control is an interesting thing. I think all too often I try to control things I can’t control, and fail to control the things that I can. I try to control people. I try to control emotions to the point where I don’t show them at all until it’s built up to the point where I burst. I fail to control my spending, and my eating. Somehow I need to figure out how to switch this all around.

So I’m starting with debts. This is a scary subject for me right now. To be perfectly honest, I’m behind on all of the important bills (mortgage, mud, oppd) and just barely current again on my credit accounts (which I have six of….totaling nearly $19k….a big scary number). Eeek I can’t believe I just admitted that! Oy. Aaaaanyway, the point is: it’s overwhelming. So overwhelming that I like to ignore it. Sometimes even when I have the money I just don’t pay the bills because it’s scary and I’m worried that if I give the money to the people I owe that’ll be it, I’ll never have money again. It’s irrational, of course. I have a job that’s as steady and secure as any job really can be in this economy, there will always be money coming in. It will never be enough, but nothing ever is. The point is, what comes in is slightly more than what needs to go out. So why do I have this fear of letting it go out?

And, as scared as I unreasonably am to pay the bills, what do I use to comfort myself? Shopping. I go out and buy things I don’t need or even want. I do this mindlessly.

Just like I know I have around $100 to spend every week on gas, groceries, and entertainment, I know I have 1492 calories per day to spend on nourishment. But I have this fear that it won’t be enough, that I’ll have to go without “later” (whenever later is), and if I spend it now on things like “bills” (vegetables, lean protein, etc) then I won’t have any calories ever again to spend on anything fun that makes like worth living (like the occasional piece of chocolate). So instead of budgeting it out I freak out, and I mindlessly eat until all the “money” is gone. And I go into “debt”, over my calorie range, and end up gaining weight. The extra pounds weigh on me in the same way the thousands of dollars of debt weigh on me.

And so, as Suze says, I need to face it to erase it. I have 140 pounds to lose. That’s an extra 490,000 calories that I need to burn. Nearly half a million calories. A daunting number. I have close to $19,000 in bills to pay. Another daunting number. But the math says I can succeed, if I get out of my own way and let it happen. I burn 2400 calories per day, and can survive and thrive with eating only around 1500 a day. That’s a deficit of 900 calories. At that rate it would take me 544 days to reach my goal weight. Now, truly it would be sooner than that, because I exercise. I burn 2400 calories per day at rest, and I am not at rest. I am a freaking ATHLETE, I’m training for a century ride, I have two triathlons coming up. I will reach my goal weight within the next year…as long as I stick within my calorie “budget” of 1492-1692 per day.

The math’s a little trickier on the bills, because of compounding interest. I won’t do the math, but I do know that if I maintain a proper payment schedule, paying what I can, paying on time, and sticking within my spending budget, I WILL get this debt paid off in the same way I will lose the weight. A little at a time. Step one is to find out my “calorie range” for spending money. I know I can thrive eating 1492-1692 calories per day. But what can I thrive on with my finances? How much do I need to get by, be comfortable enough, have the things I truly need, and the occasional piece of “chocolate” to keep my sanity? That is harder to figure out. Our calorie formula comes from Dr Huizenga’s book “Where Did All The Fat Go”. It’s scientific and proven. It works. But where is the formula for calculating how much I need to spend on gas and groceries and dinners with friends? There doesn’t seem to be one.

I know spending is just like eating in the sense that, if you are too restrictive, you will rebel. If I cut out everything completely I will be miserable and “hungry” all the time. Somewhere there’s a balance, and that’s what I need to find. If my dear readers have any suggestions or ideas on what may work or what’s worked for you, I would love to hear them. Until then, I’ll just keep plugging along, doing my best, trying to do what works. Control only that which is in my control. And if anyone has the winning lottery numbers please pass them my way!